Ok again it's been a while, I don't like feeling pressure to do anything. I blog when I want to or when there is something to blog about. Right now I'm blogging because it's 2:48am and I honestly cannot remember the last time I had a decent nights sleep and that is NOT ok. I was diagnosed with insomnia many a moon ago (see what I did there) and I was prescribed some little green pills that knocked me out, I stopped taking them after a while because I hated feeling like a zombie all the time, and the irony of that is not lost on me because I also feel like a zombie without Mr knock you out pills. But I'm a Mum and Steve (my long-term boyfriend ) is diabetic so I need to be awares of our child and him incase anything goes wrong so no pills, so what am I to do I have tried meditation, Hypnotherapy, cutting out caffeine etc, etc, I'm at my whits end. And of course my fellow insomniacs will get this as probably women in general, when you are tired but your mind won't switch off you think and think and over think.
Thoughts in my mind right now:
* Did I just hear a noise
* Oh it was just the cat.... I think, please be just the cat
* Am I really hearing noises or is my mind playing tricks on me?
* Should I go check out noise or wake Steve and make him check it out?
* Noise stopped? Must of been cat
* I've got so Much to do before the school term starts again argh
* My son is five, I'm the mother of a five year old, when the he'll did that happen?
* Am I a good Mum?
* Do they know I love them? Do I tell them enough?
* Why did I have to go through the hell I did before finding Steve?
* Argh stupid auto correct
* My tummy is growling so much right now
* Why do I feel so alone?
* Ahh look at Steve sleeping, smug little fucker
* I love him really I'm just tired
* Only a couple of hours before little dude is out of bed is there any point in sleeping now?
* I really am tired so why don't I sleep?
And many, many more believe me.
Someone once asked me if insomnia is like the narrator from Fight club describes it, I said no, they asked why, I replied "Because he is fictional and I am not." The truth is, and this is from my experience, insomnia is dirty, you hear your stomach digest what you have eaten, you feel your mouth and the back of your throat get dryer and dryer. You feel your eyes turn
from eyes to dry scratchy balls in your skull, you hear your blood pumping around you as you lay in damnation wishing, willing your eyes to droop and close and for sleep to overcome you in black night, you hear noises that don't exist, you hear that stupid buzz, ring sound in your ear and out WON'T go away.
It's now 3:23am, I could carry on about how insomnia makes me feel and maybe I will another night but for now...
Bye.
No comments:
Post a Comment